Wesley Corpus

24. The second passage (written January 24, 1738) is this: ‘In a storm I think, What if the gospel be not true Then thou art of all men most foolish. For what hast thou given thy goods, thy ease, thy friends, thy reputation, thy country, thy life For what art thou wandering over the face of the earth -- A dream, a cunningly-devised fable.’ (i. 418.) I am here describing the thoughts which passed through my mind when I was confessedly an unbeliever. But even this implies no skepticism, much less Atheism, no ‘denial of the truth of Revelation,’ but barely such transient doubts as, I presume, may assault any thinking man that knows not God. The third passage (which you tack to the former as if they were one and the same) runs thus: ‘I have not such a peace as excludes the possibility either of doubt or fear. When holy men have told me I had no faith, I have often doubted whether I had or no. And those doubts have made me very uneasy, till I was relieved by prayer and the Holy Scriptures.’ (if. 91.) Speak frankly, sir: does this prove me guilty of skepticism, infidelity, or Atheism What else does it prove Just nothing at all, but the ‘pertinacious confidence’ of him that cites it. 25. You recite more at large one passage more. The whole paragraph stands thus: ‘St. Paul tells us the “fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, meekness, temperance.” Now, although by the grace of God in Christ I find a measure of some of these in myself--namely, of peace, longsuffering, gentleness, meekness, temperance; yet others I find not. I cannot find in myself the love of God or of Christ. Hence my deadness and wanderings in public prayer. Hence it is that even in the Holy Communion I have rarely any more than a cold attention. Hence, when I hear of the highest instance of God's love, my heart is still senseless and unaffected. Yea, at this moment (October 14, 1738) I feel no more love to Him than one I had never heard of.’ [See letters of Nov. 22, 1758 (to Isaac Lelong), and June 27, 1766.] (ii. 91.)