Wesley Corpus

‘“ Srr,--I have had but very little rest since I left you, the cause of which was, my leaving God first. It is true, I did ina very solemn manner, on my knees, break from you, as though I had done so merely to please God; but by what followed, it appears otherwise; for I no sooner broke off from you, than I began to think how I might make a worldly advantage by it. O, thought I, I shall not now be so scrupulous in many things, particularly in doing work on the Lord’s day. Then I got me some rabbits and fowls, and I would be sure to feed and clean them well on that day, and to be out on the hunt for food for them. And J took care my poor family should be sharers with me in the drudgery; or else they must expect many a sour look and bitter word at ieast. I then grew worse and worse; insomuch that I have given such occasion to the enemy to blaspheme, such a wound to religion, as I could not heal, were I to Feb. 1 /44.] REV. J. WESLEY’S JOURNAL. 305 live ten thousand years. O whathave I done! Owhathave I lost! O that I might be admitted into God’s favour once more! Pray for me, I beseech you, if you see any hope left; if you do not think that repentance will be denied me, though I seek it carefully with tears. Then if you can think of any shame that will be bad enough for me to undergo before I am admitted into that company I so willingly left, see whether I will not readily submit to it. O that God would be pleased to bring me into light and love again! How careful would I be of his grace! How would I deny myself, take up my cross, endure shame, suffer persecution of every kind, follow the dear Lord Jesus without the camp! But I have crucified him afresh. O that I could give full scope to my mind! ButI cannot. These lines are but a very imperfect description of the state, condition, and desire, of that backslider, that apostate, that traitor, “ Joun Ewer.”