Wesley Corpus

So I sat mourning, while others rejoiced. I went home, still resolving to wrestle with the Lord, like Jacob, till I should become a prevailing Israel. 5. “I begged of God, the following day, to show me the wickedness of my heart. I besought him to increase my convictions; for I was afraid I did not mourn enough for my sins. But I found relief in Mr. Wesley's Journal, where I learned, that we should not build on what we feel, but go to Christ with all our sins, and all our hardness of heart. On the 21st, I wrote down part of what filled my heart; namely, a confession of my sins, misery, and helplessness, together with a resolution to seek Christ even unto death. In the evening, I read the Scriptures, and found a sort of pleasure in seeing a picture of my own wickedness exactly drawn in the third of the Romans, and that of my present condition in the seventh. I often wished to be acquainted with somebody who had been in my condition; and resolved to seek for onc to whom I might unbosom my whole soul. On Thursday, Satan beset me hard : I sinned, and grievously too. And now I almost gave up all hope; I was on the brink of despair; and never theless continued to fall into sin, as often as I had temptation. But I must observe, that though I frequently thought hell would be my portion, yet I never was much afraid of it: Whether this was owing to a secret hope, or to hardness of heart, I know not. But I was continually crying out, ‘What stupidity ! I see myself hanging over hell, as it were by a single thread ' And yet I am not afraid, but sin on 1 O what is man without the grace of God! A very devil in wickedness, though inferior to him in power !” In the evening I went to a sincere friend, and told him something of my state. He endeavoured to administer comfort; but it was not suited to my state. When we parted, he gave me some advice which was better suited to my condition. ‘God,” said he, ‘is merciful; God loves you; and if he denies you anything, it is for your good.