Wesley Corpus

He will surely let me know before I die, that he has died for me. If He leaves mc for awhile in this dreadful state, it is only to show me the depth he draws me out of.” But then I thought, ‘Perhaps he will do it only at my dying hour. And must I sin on till then ? How can I endure this?’ But I thought again, ‘My Saviour was above three-and-thirty years on earth. Let me wait for him as many years, and then I may have some excuse for my impatience. Does God owe me anything? Is he bound to time or place? Do I deserve anything at his hands but damnation?’ Yet anger was always one of the sins which I could not overcome. I went on sinning and repenting, and sinning again; but still calling on God’s mercy through Christ. 3. “I was now beat out of all my strong holds. I felt my helplessness, and lay at the feet of Christ. I cried, ‘Save me, Lord, as a brand plucked out of the fire! Give me justifying faith; for the devil will surely reign over me, till thou takest me into thy hand. I shall only be an instrument in his hand to work wickedness, till thou stretch out thy almighty hand, and save thy lost creature by free, unmerited grace.’ I seldom went to private prayer, but this thought came into my mind, “This may be the happy hour, when thou wilt prevail with God!’ But still I was disappointed. I cried to God; but my heart did not go with my lips. I prayed, but often could hardly keep awake. When overcome with heaviness, I went to bed, beseeching God to spare me till the next day, that I might renew my wrestling with him, till I should prevail. 4. “On Sunday, the 19th, in the evening, I heard an excellent sermon on these words, “Being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.’ I heard it attentively, but my heart was not moved. I was only still more convinced, that I was an unbeliever, and that till I had faith, I should never have peace. The hymn after sermon suited the subject; but I could not join in singing it. So I sat mourning, while others rejoiced.