Wesley Corpus

“Now I would write a little of the travail of my own soul. I thought myself right long since; but when the light of life came, I saw myself ready to die in my sins. I had faith; but I had it by knowledge and not in power: yet by this faith I had great liberty. Nevertheless this faith kept my heart corrupt, and the whole man of sin alive. My way of proceeding was thus: sometimes I was overtaken in a fault, and so was put to a stand a little. But as soon as I could, I would wipe myself by knowledge, saying, ‘Christ died for sinners.’ I was right so far, and no further. He died fur sinners: but not to save him that continues in his sins. For whomsoever he cleanses, they are clean indeed ; first sinners, then saints, and so they remain. By and by I was overtaken again: and the oftener I was overtaken, the stronger I thought myself in the Lord. Yea, for my corruption’s sake I was forced to get more knowledge, or else I should have been condemned. So I arrived at such a pitch of knowledge, (that is, of notional faith,) that I could crucify Christ with a 250 REV. J. WESLEY’S JOURNAL. [ May, 1742. one hand, and take pardon with the other; so that I was always happy. Here was the mystery of iniquity, conceived in my heart. For it led me to this; if I was to take of any men’s goods, I would say or think, ‘{ am a sinner of myself; but Christ died for me; so his righteousness is mine.’ And further, I could not see, but if I was to kill a man, yet I should be pure. So great a friend to sin and the devil was I, that 1 would have made sin and the devil to become the righteousness of God in Christ ; yea, that I began to love him, whom the Lord hath reserved for everlasting fire.