Wesley Corpus

‘My MOST DEAR AND HONOURED FATHER IN Curist,--In the twentieth year of my age, 1737, God was pleased to open my eyes, and to let me see that I did not live as became a child of God. I found my sins were great, (though I was what they call a sober person,) and that God kept an account of them all. However, I thought if I repented, and led a good life, God would accept me. AndsoI went on for about halfa year, and had sometimes great joy. But last winter, I began to find, that whatever I did, was nothing; and the enemy of souls laid so many things to my charge, that sometimes I despaired of heaven. I continued in great doubts and fears till April 9, when I went out of town. Here, for a time, f was greatly transported in seeing the glorious works of God: but in about three weeks I was violently assaulted again. God then offered a Saviour to me; but my self righteousness kept me from laying hold on him. On Whitsunday I went to receive the blessed sacrament; but with a heart as hard as a stone. Heavy laden I was indeed, when God was pleased to let me see a crucified Saviour. I saw there was a fountain opened in his side for me to wash in and be clean. But alas! JI was afraid to venture, fearing I should be too presumptuous. And I know I at that time refused the atonement which I might then have had. Yet I received great comfort. But in about nine days’ time, my joy went out, as a lamp does for want of oil, and I fell into my old state. Yet I was not without hope; for ever after that time I could not despair of salvation: I had so clear a sight of the fountain opened in the side of our Lord. But still when J thought of death, or the day of judgment, it was a great ~ terror to me. And yet I was afraid to venture to lay all my sins upon Christ.